This night, feels familiar. I just miss you. So so so much, so so so bad.
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Felt good after crying. It's like 11 months of bottled feelings off my chest. It's like all the words that can't be said, I let it out. It's like something that has long wanted to be free. I don't get myself actually. I'm really all choked up and __'s really okay. What the hell am I doing? Shouldn't I be stronger than this? Why am I so bloody weak, bloody bloody weak in the middle of the fucking night. Why am I so afraid of just forgetting something? What's so difficult? Haven't I tried enough? Why isn't my heart/mind not as tired as I am? Yeah, H is amazing. He is amazing. He made me forget __ and he really made me happy. Over his personality and the way he's so musically inclined and all. But __, still special. Still different. Yes, still having this little hope. This tiny little hope. I don't know what the hell I was doing re-reading all those stuff. Just woah at the memories. (Bro's playing 'Back to december' again, ok totally relevant rn) Too overwhelming. Enough, they said. I have given enough. Why am I still so stubborn? What the hell is stopping me?
When you're feeling lost, just pray. Ya allah, please help me get over this feeling.
Yes, I miss __ because he was so special. I'm not afraid to be judge by this post. Not at all. Yes, call me a loser. Tell me to get the fuck on with life. Tell me to fucking move on. No, shut the fuck up you don't know what I've been through, what I'm trying to do and how my life has been so shut the fuck up who are you to judge huh? YES, I'm still stuck in the past but I'm making effort to forget stuff. Stuff that meant alot to me.
"Siak ah ni bat seriously takleh move on move on pe?" No, this batrisyia has feelings. And I'm still human you see.
No, i'm not upset with him. Looking back I realise it isn't anyone's fault that feelings fade, it isn't anyone's fault that things just don't work out. It's just fated to be this way. In fact, I'm quite happy that I can still smile or say hello and not get ignored. The feeling of knowing "Yknow what, actually everything's gonna be okay. We're gonna be friends.. soon". I've learned to accept the fact that life just don't go the way you planned sometimes, that things will never be the same. Now, I'm just learning to overcome it. The worst mistake I've ever done is denying the fact that I haven't move on. I should quit lying to the people around me. Most importantly to myself. Let me hang on a little while longer, I'll move on naturally. All this takes time.
On the brighter note, the period of time when I'm down is the period of time I realise who my truefriends are.
x
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